TALES FROM TIBBY: The Dating Game: Grumpy Old Man Version

I kill time occasionally by wondering what it would be like being single and wading back into the dating pool.

That is not wishful thinking. Fact is, I can’t imagine anything worse.

It is me recognizing that I have become so horribly judgmental of people based on first impressions I’d probably never be able to find another person on this earth that could meet ‘my standards’ (translation: perfect like me).

I see funky hair, lots of tattoos or piercings and - boom! - ye hath been judged.

It’s not something I’m proud of. And I’m almost always wrong. To know someone is usually to love them, regardless of hair color. Or lack of hair at all, as is quickly becoming my own issue.

But admitting my own character flaws is interfering with my fun, and we’re here to have fun.

So let’s pretend I’m back in the game, looking for a mate - or at least, a date.

Assuming this process begins by chatting online, I’ve come up with questions on a variety of subjects I would want to discuss.

Now here’s the kicker: each subject has a DKQ: a Deal Killer Question. Regardless of all other answers, it’s the one question that can kill the deal if not answered properly (translation: to my liking).

While it’s still in the developmental stage, feel free to take the quiz and determine the likelihood of us (n)ever being together.

Pets- This is really tricky because every question in this category is a possible DKQ.-How many you got? (Best answer: none. Up to two is potentially acceptable unless it includes ferret, snake or parrot.)-Are they allowed in bed?-Do they ride in the shopping cart when you’re at Home Depot?-Are you willing to board them when we travel?

Food-On which day did God create pizza? (I personally believe pizza is important enough that it was Day One, but any day is fine. This question is asked simply to determine that you believe pizza is divine.)-DKQ: are you vegan?

Travel-Is Panama City or Las Vegas your idea of a vacation destination?

-DKQ: Do you believe that Disney World is indeed the happiest place on earth?

Side note: wife, Beverly does not believe this, but I didn’t have this questionnaire 33 years ago, so she’s still around.

Yoga? ’No’ is ideal but if yes…-Is downward facing dog a good pose for a butt the size of yours?-DKQ: Can I roll my eyes when you talk about how it ‘grounds’ you?

Hair color-Do you treat your head like an Easter egg?-DKQ: Is green ever an acceptable color for hair?

Piercings-How many you got?-Did getting 10 holes poked in your ear hurt?

-DKQ: Septum piercing? (You do your thing, but I doubt you want me greeting you each morning with a “moo!”.)

Tattoos-How many you got?-What were you thinking?-DKQ: Any near your nether regions? If yes…-Is it because you felt like additional entertainment was needed? Does it have words? If so, will I need my reading glasses?

Side note: I once saw a lady on the beach with a large Phoenix on her back, ‘rising up’ from her bikini bottom. It was accompanied by the words, “Rising From The Ashes.” Given its location, I couldn’t help but wonder if ‘ashes’ was a misspelling.

Final Questions-Do you want to be more like me?

-Why not?!?

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