TALES FROM TIBBY: Killin’ Bigfoot

Ah-ight, y’all. Stuff gettin’ real now and Ima steppin’ in. Somebody got to cuz we need some anssers.

What’s happend:

Oklahoma State Rep. J.J. Humphrey, he done hauled off and introduced a bill to make hunting Bigfoot legal in that state.

Here’s his bill. It’s 1 page long.

Italian Trulli

I’m familiar with all things Bigfootish. Near my part-time home in the hills of North Georgia, they’s a Bigfoot museum.

I ain’t never been in it ‘cause it cost $5. That’s my lottery ticket money right there. But I’m told it’s a collection of grainy pichers of Bigfoot and a few newspaper clippins.

Italian Trulli

But I got some questions for Rep. Humpfrey:

-First, why y’all wanna kill Sack-o-squash?

Maybe he rummaged through yer garbage can or done ate one of yer baby goats or something. But as far as we know, he ain’t never hurt nobody.

Oh, they’s tales of carnage, but unless you can name a name of someone he kilt, like Uncle Gid or Aunt Maureen, you just rumorin’.

-What’s the ‘Bigfoot hunting season’ gonna look like? Is it gonna be like deer season and we only hunt ‘em when they out sniffin’ around for a mate? If so, then imagine this sinario:

You gots your proper huntin’ license. You done stuffed some branches down yer favorite cammo britches to hide yerself (or maybe amuse yerself), and suddenly you hear something.

It’s ol’ Yeti! Anna he’s comin’ yor way!

Uh, oh. What that you’s seeing? That looks like breasties on that thing. Is that a… a…?!?

It is! It’s Bigfoot woman!

Now whatcha gon do?

You gonna go killin’ Sissysquatch?

I don’t think so.

Rep. Humphrey, did it ever occur to you that they has to be girl hairy mans in order to get more man hairy mans? How do you think we got these Bigfoots? (I know, using English right it’s Bigfeets.)

-And finally, whachyall gonna do once you’ve bagged a Bigfoot. Eat it?

Let’s say that is whachyall gonna do. Gonna cook ‘im and eat ‘im. If Bigfoot is half man, don’t that mean you’uns done broke the law cause you now a cannable?

Or dijee just break half the law?

I got a solootion. Only eat half of ‘im. That way, when the law busts in your door, you can say you only ate the half that wasn’t human.

Problem solved right there.

Let Bigfoot season begin!

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Allen Tibbetts

During his 41-year career doing morning show radio, what he found most rewarding was taking the slices of life he observed and making them into fun, funny or satirical stories that, hopefully, the audience would enjoy. Allen now shares these stories with the WGAU audience in Tales from Tibby.

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